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Monday, July 14, 2014

My voice escaped me...but we've since made up

I checked and it has been about 10 months since my last post.  Geez, my how the time flies.  I launched this blog back then with the blessing of my therapist and lofty intentions of freeing myself,  making some new friends (something I was desperate to do at the time), and proving to myself that I was just as capable of writing a blog as all my other writer friends.

Back then, it seemed so simple. I had a problem - I needed to meet new people.  I had a passion - I loved to write.  I had a solution - start a blog.  So, that's exactly what I did.  I jumped on blogger, created a new blog, spent a couple of days designing the layout until I thought it was perfect, created a loose content plan and then dreamed of building my brand.  I only ran into one problem.  As soon as I was up and running, I found myself incapable of writing.

Now, all writers go through bouts of writers block, it just comes with the territory.  However, this was different.  This wasn't a struggle to find the right words.  In fact, at the time, I was having no problems crafting eloquent sentences together.  The problem was, that I didn't recognize the voice underneath the words.  After a couple of weeks of trying to write and failing, I brought it up during a therapy session:
My Therapist (MT): So, what's going on?
Me: I'm having trouble writing my blog
MT: Oh really, what seems to be the problem?
Me: When I write, the words that come out don't sound like me
MT: Who do they sound like?
Me: I don't know
MT: Are you having problems writing in general, or just the blog
Me: Well, it started with the blog, but since then, I've also been having a problem writing my Yelp reviews
MT: Really? You were doing really well with your Yelping, what changed?
Me: I lost my voice there too. Before I could just write without thinking about it, now all I do is think before I write.
MT: What changed?
Me: Nothing really. Well, my ex-boyfriend text me that he read one of my reviews.
MT: Did that bother you??
Me: No, though I suppose I hadn't thought about people who really know me reading my yelp reviews. Well except for my sisters and BFFs.
MT: So what difference does it make if your ex reads your reviews?
Me: *shrugs*
MT: Is the voice in your yelp reviews much different that your own?
Me: No, not really. My yelp reviews are written just like the voice in my head. I guess I'm just not sure if the voice in my head is the voice I normally share with most people.
MT: How did you feel when you were writing your yelp reviews?
Me: I loved writing my Yelp reviews.  I enjoyed writing them, and while I wanted them to be entertaining, I wasn't motivated by the reactions of readers more than I was motivated to share my opinion.  I guess with the blog, it's more important for people to like what I'm writing.  In some ways I feel like I need people to like what I'm writing...
MT: Why do you need people to like what you're writing on your blog?
Me: *shrugs* I just do.
MT: What if you wrote your blog and people didn't like it?
Me: I'd be mortified
MT: How come you weren't mortified if people didn't like your Yelp reviews?
Me: Because on Yelp all opinions matter, that's the point of Yelp
MT: So you don't think your opinion matters on YOUR blog?
Me: It's not that, it's just that on my blog, I need to be right
MT: What happens if you're not right?
Me: If I'm not right, I shouldn't be writing it
MT: That's a lot of pressure for a blog.  What if you just wrote what you thought, right or wrong?
Me: I need to be right.  I need to think objectively and deliver a solid opinion...that is right most of the time - I recognize that I can't be perfect.
MT: What would happen if you were wrong?
Me: I know the world won't end if I'm wrong, I'm just saying that I shouldn't be wrong. The point is to try my hardest to be right.
MT: That doesn't sound like any fun.  Maybe that's why you're struggling with your writing right now.  Who are you trying to impress?
Me: Everyone
MT: Why?
Me: I don't know...
MT: Maybe you should stop trying to write your blog until you figure that out...
Me: *pouting* I guess...
That session happened about 10 months ago.  Voiceless and frustrated, I stopped writing my blog and I virtually stopped Yelping. During those 10 months, with the help of my therapist, I did a hella lot of work - making a deliberate effort to get okay with myself - the good, the bad, and the ironic.

There were sessions that I completely broke down - crying, wailing and sobbing - ashamed of my own vulnerabilities.  There were sessions where we ripped the bandages off old wounds exposing them to air and light so they could finally truly heal.  There were months spent deconstructing years of social programming that reinforced the farce that I - in my most authentic and honest state - was not good enough. There were deep emotional dives into uncomfortable places - where the pretense of confidence and self-esteem were exposed and the frailty of my insecurities came to light.

There were exercises in imposing boundaries, saying no, and putting myself and my well being first.  Then there was lessons in letting down my guard, saying yes, and feeling entitled to get what I want.  There were also lessons in letting go of the past and not being afraid of the future.  And at the end of all this hard, uncomfortable work, something quite extraordinary happened - I found myself - completely and utterly uncharacteristically happy - content and joyful from my insides - in a way that I had not ever previously experienced and NEVER thought was possible.

That was three months ago - almost two and half years after my first appointment with MT - and guess what?  I've found my voice again and I'm readier than ever to use it.  I suppose that's what happens when you stop pretending to be happy and do the work necessary to actually become happy.

Throughout your journey, as you push through the challenges, remember - happiness is a worthwhile destination.


Peace, love and happiness
<3 MsBHappy


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Today's Lesson Learned: Love you, but fuck off...

I fucking love my hair today.  It's an unkempt mess of a day-old-fro, but dear God it make me happy.  I noticed it today, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the bathroom sink.  I did a double take and admired myself.  There I stood with a makeup-free face and rhyme-less, reasonless, unruly hair  and I was shocked to find myself completely delighted with my the person who stared back at me. 

I fucking love my hair today and thankfully, because I'm hold up, alone in my apartment, I might be able to ride the high of self-appreciation all the way until tomorrow. Today's solitude will allow me to bask in the beauty that I see in myself without the interruptions of "helpful" family and friends who, without solicitation, often feel the need to critique my coiffure and make suggestions on improvement.  Their recommendations are incessant, I suppose because there are a flood of natural-haired girls (like my sisters and unlike me) who have the inclination and desire to achieve fanciful follicular feats on a very regular basis.  The thing is, that ain't me.

I'm more of the let it grow, let it fro, let it go mindset.  Unfortunately, people around me just can't seem to buy into this mantra.  This weekend, the Ace Partner in Crime (APIC) asked (for the umpteenth time this summer) what was I going to do with my hair.  My aunt, poses the same question every other time I see her.  My mom, she's taken a new approach that entails sharing new miracle hair products with me at every opportunity.

I fucking love my hair today, in fact today I feel beautiful. What sucks is that to accomplish this feeling, I had to be (*singing in my best Celine Dion impression*) all by myself.  The good news, however, is that this moment of self-awareness has left me with the following lesson learned:

Love you, but fuck off:  I know you mean well and want what's best for me but right now I'm happy as is and don't need your suggestions on my improvement, thanks.

(PS - I'd like to dedicate this post to a very special little girl that I read about today.  Her name is Tiana Parker and she was recently sent home from her charter school, Deborah Brown Community School in Tulsa Oklahoma for having (neat and well-styled) dreadlocks.  I am saddened that this school, who caters to Black and Latino students, is run by a predominately Black staff, and advised by an entirely Black school board, would take such an antiquated and conservative view on Black hair.  I am mortified at the pain they caused this beautiful, young straight-A student and view this perpetuation of Black shame (which may leave an indelible mark on her sense of self) as grossly despicable.  Obviously little Tiana is too young to tell the Deborah Brown Community School to fuck off but I am happy to do it for her.)

Thursday, August 29, 2013

In Pursuit of Happiness - A nonconvential spin on Martin Luther King's Dream




In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."






Like many of you, I found myself engrossed in yesterday's media coverage of the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington.  I listened intently to the online coverage and watched my Twitter Timeline come alive with prideful commentary, intellectual critiques, and hopeful wishes to see continue progress realized.  I was moved by the day's poignant speeches - some looking back, touching on the cultural significance of the historic event, some calling for present day action and some hopeful about what a future steeped in equal rights could mean for us all.

Yet, my most profound reaction to yesterday's events came during a moment of quiet reflection as I sat in my bed listening to a rebroadcast of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech.  I've both heard and read this speech many times before and each time I was moved by the powerful, inspiring message of civic engagement, forward mobilization, and equality.  It was these messages of collective action that have historically captured my attention; but yesterday, for the first time, I found myself focusing on the underlying sentiment of the speech instead of the obvious call to action.

What I heard in the speech yesterday, perhaps because at this point in my life I'm in desperate need of positive messages, was an affirmation of love, acceptance, forgiveness, and hope and I was inspired in a profoundly personal way.  I have been on a very deliberate journey over the last 18 months to fulfill my own personal pursuit of happiness.  It started one morning when the weight of my unhappiness was so suffocating and overbearing that for the sake of my sanity, I proactively sought the help of a professional. Since that time, therapy has guided me in and out of some very uncomfortable places.  It has forced me to take an honest look at myself - strengths, weaknesses, flaws and all - and investigate both the inadvertent and complicit ways that I have (and continue to) obstruct my own happiness.

What has materialized from this in-depth personal investigation, is that I lack (for reasons I am still addressing in therapy) some of the basic building blocks of happiness, which, incidentally include accepting myself, forgiving myself, loving myself, and allowing myself to be hopeful.  Over the years I've overcompensated and compartmentalized in certain areas of my life, trying hard to avoid these difficult truths. In absence of true self-acceptance, I constructed a rational alternative of thinking objectively, living realistically, striving for perfection, refusing to be vulnerable, and perfecting my ability to be completely and utterly self-sufficient.

However, ask me to dream, big or small, and I'm at a complete loss.

I started this blog a couple months ago as a project of catharsis. It is meant to be a vehicle to start wholly expressing and accepting who I am (an insecure writer, lacking formal education, prone to moments of brilliance and a deep desire to someday be recognized for my greatness).  I started this blog to pursue my happiness and learn how to dream.  I started this blog because, ultimately, if you really want to change your life, you have to start somewhere, right?

Yesterday, Martin Luther King, Jr. posthumously reminded me that dreaming (in his case, dreaming big) and pursuing happiness are noble, worthwhile endeavors that can have enormous cascading affects.  Yesterday, Essence Debates (@Essence_Debates) asked their loyal followers: in what ways are you living MLK's dream? Today, my answer is to believe I'm worthy of having a dream.

-Ms.B.Happy, #IAmTheDream

Follow me @msbhappy (because I'm more fun on Twitter).

Thursday, August 22, 2013

This morning: Join Alicia Keys for a Community Conversation on HIV in Harlem!

More info
Yesterday Alicia Keys delighted regulars over at Essence Debates (my current midday addiction) by joining us to discuss the work she does with Keep a Child Alive, a non-profit organization that advocates for the treatment and support of families affected by HIV/AIDS.

Keys introduced us to the EMPOWERED campaign, which aims to deconstruct the stigma many associate with HIV/AIDS and replace the misconceptions with stories of  hope.  Yesterday's conversation was very fruitful, highlighting a true thirst for awareness around the topic.  Many people were curious as to how they could help and Alica tweeted a few suggestions:




Ms. Keys also shared that she is going to be in Harlem today for a Community Conversation on HIV and invited fellow New Yorkers join her.  Essence_Debates tweeted me the information and I'm sharing it below (it's a shameless Twitter plug in hopes that you'll follow me!).  I really want to be there but my weekend wedding plans on The Cape start tomorrow and 24 hours was not enough time to rework today's scheduled prep for that.  Hopefully some of you can attend and lend your support!! 

Today's Big Whoop: BlackTwitter Gets a Wikipedia Page

The Huffington Post Black Voices reported yesterday that Black Twitter has reached a social media milestone with Wikipedia "formally" recognizing it with it's own page.

I have mixed feelings about the announcement.  On the one hand, I don't like the idea of positioning Black Twitter as something that needs substantiation from outside entities (big boo to Bossip for this article title), especially since the insular nature of Black Twitter is where it derives a lot of its power.  On the other hand, I think the Wikipedia page can serve to catalog the history, use and cultural significance of this modern day movement.

Final thoughts:   Let's keep the celebration to a minimal on this one.  Thanks for the shout out Wikipedia, now excuse us as we get back to business.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Make You Feel Unpretty...


During a recent IM conversation, a very good male friend of mine asked me if I thought I was beautiful.  Before answering his question, my mind went through a bit of mental Olympics trying to formulate an appropriate answer.  I wanted my answer to be honest, self-assured, and devoid of vulnerability.  I wanted it to be matter of fact.  In fact, I wanted it to be so matter of fact that it seemed preposterous that he would ever even ask me such a question.  I wanted my answer to end this line of questioning forever.

I typed the following response: Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Most often,  I think of myself as decently attractive; though perhaps, not in the classical sense of the term. But to the larger point that you are trying to make, I don’t tie my self-worth to beauty, I tie it to me in totality.

I thought about this conversation today after my writing idol Demetria Lucus, over at a Belle in BK, posted an op-ed titled: The Root: Banning Weaves Doesn't Raise Self Esteem.  In the piece Demetria talks about recent comments made by Rev. A.J. Aamir, a Texan preacher who asserts that “Black women are getting weaves trying to be something and someone they are not…"  Demetria, in pure A Belle in BK style, goes to work deconstructing everything that is right and wrong with what Rev. Aamir had to say:
But black women have to admit that there is something odd about choosing to attach the hair of other races of women to their own hair (sew-in) or scalp (glue-in). In general, black women don't attach hair that mimics the natural texture of their own, and that says a lot about how some -- again, not all -- women feel about their actual hair. To be clear, what it says is: I find this other woman's hair more acceptable or better than my own. That is a problem that deserves addressing. But it's not solved by banning weaves in church.

I understand what the pastor is trying to do, but his backhanded way of trying to get women to embrace themselves without enhancements (and get their financial priorities straight) isn't helpful. Frankly, the logic is off. If the minister's belief is that weaves are a sign of low self-esteem, then attacking the weave doesn't solve the problem. Increasing a woman's self-esteem isn't achieved by cutting out a weave. A woman won't mysteriously gain the self-esteem of Iyanla Vanzant by wearing her own hair. The actual, well, root of the self-esteem issue has to be addressed.

First off, as a pun enthusiast, I gleefully applaud the last sentence of this quote.  Secondly, and more to the point, I whole heartedly agree with Demetria - the underlying issue worth talking about here is Black women and self-esteem. My concern, however, is that when we discuss issues of self-esteem, we often misidentify women as the culprit of self-esteem issues, instead of the victims.  We tell these women that something is wrong with them – that their inability to think highly of themselves is evidence that they are unhappy, broken people.  The truth, however, is that most women with low self-esteem are responding quite naturally to the absence of positive external interactions.


Despite what Katt Williams would have you believe, self-esteem is not something one derives independently of others.  It is a learned, affirmed, and reinforced perception of self.  We begin constructing this idea of ourselves as children, and if we are lucky, we are told by our parents and families that we are beautiful (smart, talented, and hard-working). These are the seeds of self-esteem and this is how we learn to view ourselves as worthy and important. If we are lucky, these seeds are then affirmed by people outside of our families – our neighbors, teachers, and even the random stranger from time to time.  And the luckiest among us are blessed to have their sense of beauty subtly reinforced by the media (television, film, advertisements, and music videos) on a daily basis.
 
 Ask these women – who have had their sense of beauty affirmed and reinforced regularly – if they think they are beautiful and you will see little hesitation (though perhaps a bit of tactful modesty) in their response.  They intrinsically know they are beautiful.  That is how self-esteem works. 

Inversely, the absence of positive affirmations and reinforcements (or worse, negative affirmation/reinforcement) are the origins of low self-esteem.  So to call a Black woman’s obsession with weave a self-esteem issue, when mainstream media, corporate America and even our own men (via music videos) propagate an almost singular view of Black beauty - slim, fare, with long manageable hair – it feels disingenuous to blame the victims who are clearly just imitating the standard of beauty we as a society have agreed upon. 


In a perfect world we’d all believe ourselves beautiful.  In an ideal world, all little girls would be routinely told that they are beautiful by loved ones and strangers alike. In reality, if you ask me if I’m beautiful, I’m not sure I’d say yes.  That reality is sort of sad, but I know better than to blame myself.